Recharge your hair, recharge your life

As I walked into my parent's place, yelling orders to my junior over the phone as to what needed to be done with all those journal and bank vouchers, the family of three sitting on the family couch was completely out of my peripheral vision. I went to the balcony, got rid of my shoes and after hanging up the phone, came back to the living room, demanding a hot cup of filter coffee from Amma while continuously staring at my phone, checking out my messages. Considering the silence that followed, I was made to look up at five pairs of eyes staring at me with an amused expression. Mom, Dad and the aforementioned family of three. Suddenly, the woman in the red saree (not my Amma!) asked me "Do you remember me?" It was then my turn to stare at her blankly with my eyes darting from Amma to Appa to the aunty. Slowly I squeaked a "Umm.. no.. sorry!" And the aunty said "Ohhh!! How come! I came to your naming ceremony!" I kept a straight face with all the effort in the world, my hair coming in handy to an extent at covering my face. "Okayyy" I dragged on, gave a polite smile and tried to get away from the room to avoid the awkward conversation. Dad suddenly spoke up saying "Shreesha, meet the Iyengars, this is A" pointing at the cute guy sitting between his parents. I smiled and we shook hands.

After the predictable questionnaire from the other Mom and Dad Iyengar- Where do you work? (like my dad hasn't already told you!) How much do you earn? (even my parents don't know, why, oh, why would I tell you?) What all can you cook? (Pasta, coffee, sandwich and maggi, a wholesome meal, don't you think?) Why don't you stay with your parents? (Oh, my parents thought the restrictions and curfews were all done with and threw me out) What all shlokas do you know? (the Hanuman Chalisa, but, I'm agnostic) Gasp! (shrug) What all festivals do you like to celebrate? (ogling at fireworks at Diwali and partying and welcoming the new year) Party, gasp! (shrug) *awkward silence* Dad then said "Why don't you and A go out for coffee?" Having no other option about it, we take off to the nearest Cafe Coffee Day (my filter coffee all forgotten about). As we awkwardly made small talk, big talk, debated and agreed, we realized that we actually had a lot in common! Deciding to meet for dinner the next day, we hugged and left, me to my friend's place to gossip and him to my place to join his parents.

Fortunately for me, the next day, my parents decided to go to the Iyengar's place (the other Iyengars), I had the place to my self. By seven, I started to get ready and realized that, being the first date, him living in the States for the past couple of years, me watching too many romantic comedies and my "forward thinking" as Iyengar aunty put it, we might kiss. *Blush* I started to wonder how the kiss might be. Soft? Forceful? The Mills-and-Boons-hunk-kisses-damsel-in-distress type? Damn those romantic comedies! I took a beauty bath, shampooed and conditioned my hair and wore the classy dress I purchased that afternoon (black, slightly low cut, ending just above my knees). Just fyi, I let my hair down, no make up, just moisturizer, lip gloss, my awesome awesome dress and black stilettos.

We went to Pizza by the Bay, enjoyed great pasta, pizza, potato wedges and chocolaty pastry (damn my diet) and we walked down Marine Drive for a few hours. We really enjoyed all that "romance" with constant texts and calls from our Dads as to where we were. He dropped me off home in his car (chauffeur driven :D). He walked me inside the building and came into the elevator with me. As I hit the 14th floor button and the elevator doors closed, he put his hand at the back of my head, his fingers through my hair and kissed me. Oh, the passion. As the elevator pinged on the 14th floor, he released me and gave me a tight hug, wherein I simultaneously felt him take in the fragrance of my hair, letting out a soft moan. I detached from him, smiled, blushed and walked out thinking, had it not been for the Sunsilk recharge, how on Earth would my life (and my love life, if I may) have been recharged with this cute guy and my yummy first elevator kiss . The thought of A struggling to get his fingers out of my all tangled and dry hair is just makes me shudder!! Thank you, Sunsilk! :D

 

Comments are most welcome!!

Expectations

To a new born kid: You are such a beautiful kid, you will grow up to be a doctor/engineer and make us proud

To a school going kid: You need to score so and so marks and I'll buy you whatever you want; if you don't, you won't get anything

To a college going kid: You are in college now, you need to take life seriously, no girlfriends, no parties, no hanging out with friends, no fun, start studying and put in all the efforts

To a college graduate (boy): You have earned your degree, you need to find a well paying job and work hard

To a college graduate (girl): you have earned your degree, if you wish, find a job, earn work experience of a year or two and then we'll get you married; we'll start looking soon

For getting married (arranged): You need to settle down in life now. It is high time you do so.

For getting married (love): You know nothing about love and what is good for you. You will get married to the person we choose for you

After getting married: Come on, make us grandparents/uncles/aunties soon. What else do you need? You have a life partner and now children will complete your family.

After children: You never come to meet us, we never get to meet our grandchildren. Why are you doing this?

In case of divorce (arranged marriage): The girl needs to be understanding. Don't think about divorce. Also think about how it will reflect on us. What will the child do?

In case of divorce (love marriage): I TOLD YOU SO!

It's not that a new born kid ever knows it's surroundings or what the hell the parents whisper into it's ears. When a kid enters school, is it so hard to teach kids the meaning of ambition, goals, aims, the good, the bad, the consequences and results beforehand before going around bribing them with so and so goodies in case of a good rank or percentage? Is it so hard to give college children a sit down, discussing their goals in life, how to achieve them and encouraging them to have fun? Is it so hard to give a young adult time and space to make sure their career goals are achieved before stepping into marriage? Is it hard not to understand "I am not ready for marriage yet!"? Is it hard to understand "I am in love!"? Is it hard to understand that once two people get married, it is their job to worry about having kids and raising them and that others are not privy to information about their lives? Is one's social status more important than a happy life of your kith and kin? Is it hard not to make a point of about a zillion "I told you so!" instead of providing comfort, understanding and support?

Expectation costs nothing to the person expecting all the shit in life. It is the person expected to fulfill the other person's fantasies that suffers. Without having much time in hand to fulfill his own wishes, he is running about trying to fulfill the dreams of his parents, partner, children, friends, relatives, bosses and God knows countless others! Poor suckers we all are.

Comments are most welcome!!

Dove guessing game with my friend!

Growing up in a family where the parents were transferred from one place to the other in a couple of years, my friendships lasted good only for those years.  quickly adapted to the changing environment and hopped, skipped and jumped from one friendship to the other like it was no big deal. And it genuinely wasn't a big deal at all. You may think horrible of my parents now since I had no real friends. But, no. They knew, they understood and they managed it well. While it maybe true that we kept relocating to a new place every few years and left something behind everywhere, my parents never made me miss any of that.

My first badminton tryouts and games and scores were kept with my Dad. He also taught me cricket, lagori, kabaddi and kho-kho. He trained me, no matter what time of the day, no matter how tired from work he was, he was there to make up for new friends after we moved. My first make up experience was with my Mum where she let me experiment with all the colours and different items in the make up kit on her and smiling obliged when I asked her not to wash any of it off for quite some time. My sibling was the one I played "ghar-ghar" and "doctor-doctor" with. We used to roam the housing society, hand in hand perfectly comfortable in each other's presence and not really having a complete craving for a "friend". We also stood up for each other when the other was lying through their teeth to get away from trouble from Mum & Dad!

Then again, friendships were forged and broken. One of my friends, let's call her K, used to blackmail me into studying (the below average student that I was). When I had this craze of Daniel Jacob Radcliffe (Harry Potter), she always said "if you get good marks in this exam, I'll give you a printout of his photo." Being from a middle class family and kids of parents working in the service industry, printer was a complete and unnecessary luxury, the printout was a real driving factor. This other friend of mine, let's call her S, used to coach me in high jump at school in order to be able to participate. The never tiring "high!" in a super high girly pitch sure gave me all the more reason to try and jump higher and higher. My friends from college, P & A are the ones I discovered, crushes and lust and teenage love with. The trial room visits to the mall, trying on clothes too expensive to afford and clicking pictures in them, the common Facebook addiction, cyber stalking of our latest crush, bunking classes together and enjoying vada-pav and samosa-pav at the local thela wala were just some of the mischiefs we got into. As I grew up and went to work, my office friends were very kidnly helpful to initiate drinking and all night partying. There also came the time where we fully understood the meaning of meeting deadlines and fun late night work at the office which as ever combined with yummy sandwiches and chai or coffee and bitching right through the night of the boss having an affair with his PA!

Friendships may or may not last. What does last is the memories (and photographs if you clicked them). I personally do not believe in Best-Friends-Forever. I believe friendships come with an expiry tag. As and when a person grows and matures, their needs and wants change accordingly which the "BFF" may or may not provide for rendering the friendship redundant and lack luster. What I can tell you is that relationships will never be as smooth as this. Cheers!

Karthikai 2013

Comments are most welcome!!

Teenage drama (!?)

When I was cleaning my cupboard this morning, I came across an old memory card of 1GB. When I opened the files, I found a Word file named "Dreams". Something written by me on 31.08.2010 at 12:04am. I had just started my second year of B.com. Thought I should share:

Dreams are not what you see when you’re asleep, but the ones that do not let you sleep, they say. My tears may not dry, my eyes may seem happy, but my heart yearns to see that day.

A day when my heart is overwhelmed with happiness, my eyes overflowing with tears of joy.

A day when I would not know how to store happiness within.

A day when I would be so content with life, so blissful and divine, and when my eyes would reflect the calm within.

A day when I would make my choices, and be loved for them.

A day when I would not be asked to explain my decisions.

A day when I would not be asked to justify my actions.

A day when I would receive validation for my feelings.

A day when I will be loved. Unconditionally.

Yes, I crave acceptance. I crave affection, and admiration. My feelings fear rejection. Anger is the cloth I put in my defense. But all I crave is validation.

I fear that in this feigning of satisfaction, I might end up hurting myself, if not others. Pleasing others at the cost of one’s happiness isn’t quite the ‘in’ thing, right?

I suppose I’ll eventually find a way out. It can’t be the end if it is not happy. It is only Happy Endings that exist. Maybe patience would help. Maybe some tact, a little lesser level of impulsiveness, and yes, some faith in me should be it. At times I wonder if it’s worth dreaming. At this moment I dream of everlasting happiness, and I’m ready to give all it takes to see a life that way.

I cannot say "Good Lord! I was so immature!" because I still am. :D Good day!

Comments are most welcome!!

Glug.. Glug.. Glug..

 Okay, disclaimer!

1. This post is about my drinking experiences. If drinking is a taboo for you or at the thought of drinking you do "Hai Tauba!!", then feel free to not read this post.

2. I do not think I'm cool just because I drink.

3. I am not an alcoholic. I've had just three drunk parties since I've turned 21. Just. Three.

4. Occasional drinkers cannot go "Glug.. Glug.. Glug.." .. Why can't we have proper smileys here!? :-/

5. Why the fuck am I explaining myself!?

Drunk One
So, this was my initiation. I had already tried beer, didn't like it as such. So, I wanted to get wasted. Three other friends and I met up at one of the girls'  place (alone.. shshshh!).. we got two bottles of Vodka and Blue Lemon syrup. And, well, we got drunk. Half a bottle down each, two of the girls were almost in their senses, this other girl, A and I were seriously out of our minds. Things I did:

1. Tried to break free from the in-proper-sense-girls and get out of the house and failed
2. Took my friend's face wash and poured it all over the place
3. Took my friend's talcum powder and sprayed it all over the place, their faces and their hair
4. Painted my friend's fingers with clear nail paint. Fingers. Not nails.
5. Begged my friend to do her boyfriend (they're waiting until marriage. I'm not judging!)
6. Surfed porn and made my friends watch it
7. Called and texted my other friends with whom things aren't rosy and talked shit
8. No, I did nothing illegal

Drunk Two
Went on a trip with my office people and got shit drunk. With Vodka and cranberry juice this time. Lots and lots of Cosmopolitan! Things I did:

1. Tried to get out of our rented cottage
2. Drank on an empty stomach with no snacks and had a terrible tummy ache
3. Got physically violent with the guys
4. Almost called Appa, fortunately reception was poor
5. Went into a dark room and kept exclaiming how dark things were in there and how scared I was
6. Poured my heart out regarding family matters to two other Tam Brahm girls, they really did get it. They were on the same boat!
7. Stole the bottle of whisky that the guys were hiding but they managed to pry it out of my hands
8. Sang Sutta loudly with this other girl
9. Managed successfully to stun the rest of my office people with my drunk behaviour. No standing ovation, please.

Drunk Three
Quite recently. With 3 other office girl I got drunk with the first time around (they are good friends now), one of the girls' brother, her boyfriend and the brother's boyfriend. Two more girls. We were a total of nine people. So, started off with Vodka. I had a bet that I wouldn't get drunk until very late. I controlled myself wonderfully and then just let myself go. Things I did:

1. Helped take care of a got-drunk-earlier-than-usual-friend
2. Downed whisky
3. Did not like whisky and somehow, during the mess of drinking it, spitting a little of it out, drinking it again and giving an awkward face, I broke a mug
4. Threw up in the kitchen sink
5. Kept falling down in the mess, had severe bruises on my arms and knees
6. Poured my heart out about Mr. Shreesha Iyengar! I hate my big mouth. The girls got some juicy piece of gossip about my life
7. Managed to get to work the next day, badly hungover, and it was a Sunday. I hadn't had any breakfast and went in late. Didn't feel well and threw up majorly at work. Fortunately, I managed to get myself locked in the bathroom just in time.

Well, there you have it. I want to read funny drunk stories from you guys. I know, my stories might not even be falling in the category of basic level crazy. But, hey, I had fun and this level of crazy is plenty as of now. My next drunk party will be next year, once I am done with my finals. Or maybe for my friend's housewarming in December. Can't wait! :D

Comments are most welcome!!

Something personal.. Everything stupid..

Hello!! I'm back! I was resting in this secret haven of mine called laziness and sheer boredom. Okay, what's new? Got done with my September work load, the October workload is being technically supervised by my senior, I'm the fun, entertaining, gets-to-go-home-early junior :D, November workload will befall me. Oh, hell, I'll think about it then. Random stuff, then? Thank you.

1. Mr. Shreesha Iyengar's girlfriend cheated on him and he came to yours truly for support. Now, well, I really don't want him. What can I say! He wants wife and kids and the perfect suburban family. I want fun.

2. Commuting these days is really easy considering work is only thirty minutes away!

3. I sleep at least 10 hours a day.

4. I've put on weight. Damn! And I've started exercising! I can still fit into my Size 30 jeans, though. :) Bitch, me.

5. Haven't read a book in a very, very long while. Very, very long.

6. My exams are starting on the 8th of November. :(

7. House and Cuddy had sex! Google them, nut case.

8. You know how I rant on my blog? Well, the one really honest reason why I haven't done it in a little over a month is I've changed. How? Well, I just don't care what people think. It's just a phase. If they are wrong, I tell them so, if they irritate me, I tell them so. No consideration for seniority or anything. I just do it. I'm having fun and my friends at work are having fun. I'll deal with such behaviour when the time comes. (read: when I get into trouble) :D

9. I got drunk a third time and thoroughly enjoyed myself. Fact: Do not mix vodka and whisky. You. Will. Get. Sick. Or characters like me will be expected to work the next day, will get drunk the previous night and end up sick at work.

10. My internship ends September next year, during which, I'm on leave for about 5 months.. yayayayayyayay!!!

11. I still like numbering my points as opposed to paragraphs.

12. Have developed a complete addiction to "Kismi" toffees by Parle. Try it. If you generally like cardamom.

That's it. Not much. The normal old life. Good night :)

Comments are most welcome!!

The little pleasures in life

When a really old shirt that was once tight, fits me perfectly

When I have lost even just a few grams of weight

When I have extra jalopenos in my pizza or veggie delight sub

When I have a lot of sweet onion sauce in my veggie delight sub

When my phone's screen is squeaky clean

When the views on my blog have increased significantly

When I find just the perfect shoes in the perfect fit

When I get a window seat in the bus or train

When the bus conductor gives me change for my Rs.500

When I get a lot of rice crispies and caramel in my butterscotch ice cream

When I complete two bottles of water

When I don't dirty my shoes the whole day (especially valid for school kids)

When I eat exceptionally healthy that one day

When I spot a senior-citizen-couple holding hands

When I spot a really small kid laughing madly

When I get a rickshaw without having to haggle/ fight/ threaten to call the cops

When people comment on my blog posts

When I realized that Russell Peters is coming to India (it turned to instant sadness when I saw that the Mumbai show was sold out)

When I watch F.R.I.E.N.D.S and laugh and end up with a belly ache

When my balance sheet tallies (You accountancy nerds, you got it, right?)

When I am able to cross the Sakinaka junction in under 60 seconds (Sakinaka Junction, Andheri has NO pedestrian crossing signals) (Mumbaikars who frequent Andheri, you know what I'm talking about!)

When I just escape a pot hole/ crater on the road with my vehicle

When rickshaw walas/ cab walas/ shopkeepers say "You're welcome" or "Welcome" to my "Thank you!"

When I leave the office very very early, do not inform my boss and get away with it

When that guy I have a crush on, smiles at me <3 <3

When that friend of mine breaks up with the guy I knew was wrong for her and even told her so and I control myself from yelling "I told you so, bitch!"

When I know that I can call my friends "bitch!" and flirt endlessly with my guy friends and yet get away with it

When I know that my friends will vouch for me if my parents ever doubt me of "bad habits"-- read smoking/ drinking/ having a boyfriend

When I close a book and have a smile plastered across my face for hours

When I realize that I'm in love with the protagonist of the book I'm reading

Really long list, eh? When I make lists and they look awesome! :D

When I have a dreamless night of sleep and wake up fresh (allow me to assure you, it hardly ever happens!)

When I end my posts with a Bye-bye! :) and someone says "It's nice how you lambasted eight of your sore points, and then have the grace to sign out with a gentle goodbye and an emoticon :D"

Good night, people! :) :) 

Comments are most welcome!!

Why I think you are a stupid idiot

You don't offer your seat to senior citizens/ handicapped people/ pregnant women

You spit/ litter (especially on the sign that says "Do not spit/ litter)

You don't thank the rickshaw wala/ cab wala once he has dropped you off at your destination

You don't thank the conductor of the bus after he gives you the ticket

You don't thank the salesman after the transaction

Saying "sorry" doesn't come easily to you when you are at fault (you arrogant moron)

You don't respect your parents/ guardians (they should have screwed you over, badly)

You don't like your family (you should seriously be thrown out)

You kiss some serious ass (Does your mouth stink from all the kissing?)

I texted you at 02:30pm asking you something. You were last seen on Whatsapp at 02:35pm and I receive your response at 03:40pm (You are not busy, we all know that)

You have no sense of hygiene (Refer to my next point)

You dig your nose in public/ adjust you pant around your groin in public/ scratch your butt in public

You use "there", "they're" and "their" wrong (Did you even go to school?)

You are a weight loss freak who would diet to no extent and YET manage to put on weight (are you sure you aren't an alien?)

You are desperate to get married and start a family (I didn't know guys liked desperate :-/ )

You don't stand up for what you think is right

When you walk with your boyfriend, you hold his hand tight and lean on him (He's not running away and you don't need someone to support your weight; the poor guy is unable to walk)

You waste food (You should be left hungry until you learn your lesson)

You drive one of those noisy bikes with no silencers fitted with annoying horns (I don't want to become deaf just because you want to show off your khatara which is not cool)

You have the reverse sound on your car (You know, Titanic, Airtel, Carols)

You hog (and by hog, I mean you eat your share as well as every one else's)

Girl, you wear sleeveless with all that hair on display (And also use deodorant)

Your mouth stinks (you get breath mints for Rs.10)

You have a fake laughter, the one you use to impress someone not in your gang of friends

You show off your degree/ achievements (I thought actions spoke, duh! Stupid me)

You wear such tight pants that they are on the verge of bursting at the seams

Dude, you are wearing tight jeans, your 007 is on display and it looks cheap, don't even think of comparing yourself to the ever elegant and classy James Bond. Idiot. :-/

You waste water

You speak on the phone all the time. ALL THE TIME. ALL. THE. TIME.

I have more. But, I'm sleepy. Good night :)

The world in pictures!

The world in pictures taken from my Samsung Galaxy S II

Comments are most welcome!!

Musings from Mylapore: Raks: Things that will irritate my mom

Musings from Mylapore: Raks: Things that will irritate my mom: If Raks were writing a blog, I guess this is what she would post... My mom is obsessed with two things in her life; making me eat mamm...

Comments are most welcome!!

Grammar lesson!

Dedicated to all those people who ooze confidence with their broken English and fake accent who make me cower for dear life! No, seriously, I cower so you don't see me shaking violently with laughter and my facial expression that clearly shows that I'm mentally correcting your English. Come on, I'm not that mean! I am polite enough to cower, remember? Now, if all of that just went over your head, e-mail me on shreeshaiyengar@gmail.com and check out the image below.

Comments are most welcome!!

India is my country and the Indian men are not my brothers!

I read about the Mumbai gang rape today. You can check it out here. I must say, it left me deeply disturbed.

You know, not so long ago, I was going out for dinner with my girl friends. Dad asked me what time I'd be home and I said that I'll be back by 11-11.30pm. He refused point blank and asked me to be home by 9.30, 10pm at the most. I was taking my scooter. We had a row then and there and dad finally declared "Mumbai is not a safe place for girls anymore!" I laughed at him. On his face. I said "Mumbai is the safest place on Earth for women!" and I honestly meant it. After this incident, realisation dawned (I really wonder why it took me so long.) No, Mumbai is not a safe place anymore. Why Mumbai? Neither is India!

When I was in school, 6th standard maybe, we were travelling overnight by train to Tamil Nadu. This man kept eyeing me for no particular reason. The top berth being the favourite most for any kid, was allotted to me. In the middle of the night, I realized that same man lying behind me, hugging me close to his body. I woke up with a start and he scrambled back to his berth. I woke mum and dad up, they created a ruckus and that pervert got off the train. What more could I do?

When I lived in Kerala, I was walking to my place, in the middle of the day. One rickshaw wala slowed down next to me, asking me with indications if I needed a ride. I said no and he drove away. I kept walking and next thing I know, the rickshaw took a U-turn, came racing up to me, and sped past me while the rickshaw wala grabbed my breast. I kept walking like nothing happened. What more could I do?

People say most rapes take place within the family. No, I'm not about to narrate a horrible tale or anything. My own cousin, a guy, used to get all touchy with me. No, not all that bad. He used to put his arms around my waist, keep holding my hands, etc. It made me very uncomfortable. It made me feel all the more disgusting when I realised that he did all this when my parents were not around. Ever since, I have maintained my distance. What more could I do?

When I leave for work in the morning, the morning shift of security guards manning the building stare at me, unfazed. What can I do?

When I stand at the bus stop, waiting for a bus, a creep invariably stands beside me, staring at me with not a single flicker of shame. What can I do?

When I board a bus, some pervert purposely pushes behind me, keeping maximum possible proximity. What can I do?

When I sit on the seat reserved for ladies, men who don't find any seats stand next to the ladies, pushing their groin and huge paunches at our face and shoulder. We ask them to move away. They do and another guy takes their place instead. And this cycle continues. What can we do?

When I commute by bus, creeps stare at me, not flinching once when I stare back. What more can I do?

While commuting by bus, men wait with halted breaths as to when the wind will give them a chance to glance at my cleavage or get a glimpse of my bra strap. What can I do?

In buses/trains, men go to the extent of clicking my pictures, like I am some model showing the fun ways of travelling by public transport. To discourage such behavior, I tie my face with a scarf. Eventually, the heat gets to me and I remove the scarf. And thus, the cycle continues. What more can I do?

When travelling by trains, the slum kids, especially boys, ride by the ladies compartment. They prefer hanging out of the train door. They also prefer staring at women's breasts while also commuting from one place to the other. What can we do?

When I drive, I get many whistles and hoots and honks and squeals. I ignore them and drive on. Sometimes, I am even chased after. And yet, I keep driving. What more can we do?

While walking down the road, I am stalked by the roadside romeos and am subjected to whistles. I ignore them and walk on. What more can I do?

I am subjected to stares from the policemen. What can I do?

When I went on a school trip to Kodaikanal, my butt was groped by some man while walking down a hill. What could I do?

At railway stations, with all the crowd in India, especially Mumbai, my breasts and my butt are subject to a lot of teasing and excitement, however well covered/decently dressed. What can I do?

When men sit next to us ladies, they invariably find the need to fish something out of their shirt pocket. Really? Don't you know that I know that it is just a perverse way for you to nudge and get a feel of my breasts? At the most we can push them away. What more can we do?

When commuting by crowded buses and we don't find any space to sit, we will invariably find another man standing behind us, his groin pressed to our back and his hot breath on our necks. We, again, as usual, push them away and at the most, raise a ruckus. What more can we do?

While commuting by public transport, when men sit behind women, the men just love to touch women's waist and hips. We create a ruckus and some drama. He ultimately gets the piece of action he wanted. What more can we do?

I now fully understand why my parents have a problem with me wearing sleeveless t-shirts, shorts and one piece dresses. I now understand why my parents set a strict curfew. I now understand why my parents ask me to limit my number of guy friends and my closeness to them. I now understand what my parents must be feeling when I don't keep them updated as to where I am. I now understand why my parents are willing to spend any amount of money to ensure that I travel by private transport, safely. 

Bloody hell, I now understand why female foeticide and female infanticide is so rampant in India. What parent would want their girl child to go through all that we do?

Most hilarious sexpert answer in Mumbai Mirror

The Sexpert column from Mumbai Mirror, 17th August 2013 edition- by far, the most stupid question and the corresponding answer, which according to me is the most hilarious one ever given!

I like to masturbate to images of the 50-year-old actresses in Bollywood. Is it okay to fantasise of a much older woman?

I am a 22-year-old man. I like to masturbate to images of the 50-year-old actresses in Bollywood. Is it okay to fantasise of a much older woman?

Masturbation

By:Anonymous

8 hrs ago

1 Comment

Post a Comment

Expert Answer

8 hrs ago

It’s your choice. I wonder who you will be fantasising about at 40. Marylin Monroe?

Comments are most welcome!!

I just can't relate to it!!

Alright. I know many of us find ourselves in such situations. You see someone doing/saying something that you JUST can't relate to. Yes, it has happened. And I am about to list out some of them.

1. Not following pedestrian crossing signal- Let me explain how the signal works. When the red light glows, the pedestrians are supposed to halt to let the traffic pass. When the green light glows, the pedestrians should cross the road. How hard is it to understand this basic rule. Really? You think the traffic rules were put in place to cause you more harm than there is!?

2. Motorists honking before the signal says "Go!"- Are you blind? If so, you wouldn't have been given a driver's license. Oh wait, you may not even have a license. My mistake. Either way, let us just assume that since you drive, you are not visually impaired. So, when you can see that the light has not turned green, there are still 4-5 seconds left for the signal to scream "Go!", why the fuck are you honking like there is fire up your ass?

3. Accents- I hate accents. People who live in India, talk in accents. People who go abroad for a very short span, talk in accents. Why? Do you know the one thing I genuinely love and respect about the way Indians speak English? The neutral accent. Yes. When we speak, everybody can understand. That's awesome. It really is. When you ruin that by faking an accent, it takes all the will power in me to not twist your tongue.

4. Speaking loudly over the phone- No. I am not talking about those times when people felt speaking loudly over the phone on a long distance call ensured better quality. I'm talking about the rising level in our speaking volumes today. Okay, given, not just the volume, I hate it when people are rude enough to pick up their mobile phones when another person is having a conversation with them. Hey! I am Queen Rude. I can be rude just to anybody, I can be mean anytime I want. But even I have the manners to say "Excuse me" in formal situations and "Hey! Give me just two minutes for this phone call" during informal conversations. Get your courtesy up and going, people!

5. When girls talk- I know, guys, I know, we talk a lot. Sorry, not we. They talk a lot! I can write as and when my mood permits and I just feel like rambling. How can you girl talk for such long periods over the phone without getting a jaw ache or an ear ache with all the mobile radiation? And how the fuck does your mobile not get heated up? I swear, I was commuting by bus today and this girl beside me was just rambling on about how she was going to some multiplex to buy tickets to the latest box office hit movie. She was rambling, I swear, I'm unable to exactly elaborate on what aspects of the process she touched. Eventually, even the guy on the other end stopped listening, or so I guessed since she suddenly started yelling "Aap kabhi meri baat sunte hi nahi ho? Kabhi toh baat suna karo aur acche se jawab do!" (Translation: "You never listen to anything I say! Can you sometimes listen to what I am saying and give an appropriate response?") Seriously, girl, what do you expect? Do you want him to jump up and down, all excited because you are going to purchase movie tickets for some stupid movie that did not deserve to be a hit? Bloody hell, the guy was not even invited to the movie. Go, take a walk!

6. Distance- People! Maintain some distance! Remember, in school, during the Physical Training period, our teachers taught us the "One hand distance" rule? How about a little application of that in real life? Especially when we are standing in queues? I always, always maintain a good amount of distance with the person in front of me. But the woman behind me has her boobs stuck to my back trying to peer over what is going on ahead or the guy behind me is sticking to me with his bloody paunch and breathing down my neck! And the kids! Seriously? Do you even attend school? When kids stand behind you in a queue, one thing is for certain, the head will touch your butt, accidentally of course, they will touch your hips or butt or back while standing restlessly behind you. What the F!?

7. Guys and porn- No, no, guys! I'm supporting you. Girls! Listen up! Men will be men and boys will be boys. You've heard that, haven't you? Well, what's not to understand? Yes, men watch porn, a lot! So what? As long as he's not actually cheating on you, come on, give the guy a break. So he is watching something stimulating and enjoying himself with a solo performance. Don't by coy, you, sly you! You read 50 shades, girl! You enjoyed Christian Grey! Why the eff can't the guys enjoy!? Hmph!

8. Comments on clothing- I simply can't stand it when people comment on what others are wearing. So what if she's wearing a tight T-shirt? So what if she is wearing shorts? So what if the guy is wearing pink? Good Lord, live and let live! I mean, do you want me to comment about the fucking sleeveless purple colour turtle neck sweater you are wearing with blue jeans on a hot summer day in Mumbai? No? Well, shut up!

That is about it for now :-)

Comments are most welcome!!

Panchgani

View from our place

 

View from our place

Venna Lake, Mahableshwar

  Bhutta-wala, Venna Lake, Mahableshwar

Comments are most welcome!!

Guys, men, boys, the male species!

Image courtesy: http://www.postmodernsass.com/blogger/uploaded_images/BoysAreStupid-759160.jpg

You guys are idiots. No, really. You are all idiots! Seriously, your level of understanding is at par with seven year olds. Even an eight year old girl would think from a better angle.

Okay, fine, I'm just pissed off. I mean, the guys I do have a crush on seem to not notice me and the guys I had a crush on look like shit now and I go "Really? I wanted him!?" Seriously! What is with you guys? When I do like you, I am not noticed. Hell! It is not my fault that I am independent. It is not my fault that I do not require help from guys most of the time. 

"Ha Ha! Yo! Shreesha! You drive the vehicle. Yo! Shreesha, lets drink until the girls cook dinner! Yo! Shreesha! Let us veg in front of the T.V watching stupid superhero movies! Yo! Shreesha! Let us talk about sex and make dirty jokes and make the other girls uncomfortable!"

Yes! I enjoy doing all that shit. No, I do not have the patience for shopping. No, I do not have the patience for gossip, I get my earful and mouthful from bitching (did that even sound right?) Yes, I am a huge disappointment as far as the female species go. BUT, HEY!! I AM A GIRL! You want proof? Look at me! And bloody hell, I like you. Yes, you! How the fuck is that not obvious? I am laughing at your every joke (however stupid), I am dressing well (unlike the others :-) ) and I have no idea what else to add. Yes, I help you with the driving and the talks and all that shit, but, I want you too! Hell, when we got drunk, do you know what a tough time I had with keeping my hands and myself in check? What did I want to do, you ask? I don't know, smooch you, rip your shirt off and ask you to bed. No, no. Don't you dare judge me. That is what crushes are all about when you hit the adult side of the 20s. In college, crushes were all about hearts and red and pink and balloons and all that crap. Growing up, you realize all that was indeed crap and need something more. For me, at this juncture, where stress relief factors play a major role, all I can think about is alcohol and sex. Seriously! "Dear Lord, he looks so good, he talks very well. Hmm, quite an intellect, good personality.. hmm.. I think I may even like him.." A couple of days and bham!! You are fantasizing. Don't deny it. You are making a fool of yourself. 

And my crush doesn't even realize any of this. No, no. At 6 feet height and all that knowledge of accountancy, common sense seems to have taken a backseat at least as far as basic human needs go, if you know what I mean. Argh! And he thinks of me as a kid. Well, take that thought and shove it up your ass. I am super pissed off.

And, remember Mr. Shreesha Iyengar? He is another fool. Simply out of this world! He got a job. Yay! Shreesha happy. But, Shreesha pissed off too. Why? Well, since his life has taken a turn for the better, things with his girlfriend are all rosy. I'm happy and all, but, I have been left behind. I'm not talking competition or anything. I'm saying guys should have the basic courtesy to maintain contact with someone who has helped you through difficult times. Wait. Not just guys. People, in general. Why the fuck do I never find myself on the side where I end up leaving people who have helped me? That's right, I am a good girl! :-)

Okay, I am sleepy and bored and addicted to the Lungi Dance song, especially the "Yo! Yo! Honey Singh!" part :-P Needed to rant and I have done the same. 

Good night and Happy Independence Day, in advance!!

Comments are most welcome!!

Girls and our dirty little secrets

Image courtesy: http://favim.com/image/179964/

Here is a guide on girls, for girls, from a girl. Okay, not a guide per se. Every girl thinks she has a dirty little secret, or a couple of them, trust me girl, you're not alone. Here are a couple of them. Ladies, I'm just going to state them!

1. The online friend- We all have at least one online friend. We all love online chatting since it offers the security of anonymity. All that unburdening on a faceless and most probably fake named stranger.. wow! Seriously, why is that a secret? You have an online friend, fine! Mind you, it is mostly of the opposite sex. What!? There's nothing wrong in it!

2. Shaving- Lets face it, hair removal, tedious! I wish I were born without any body hair, except bunch on my head, my eyebrows and eye lashes! And mind you, if I am wearing capris, I'm only going to shave the part that is exposed. So, going top to bottom, it'll mostly be forest and desert! Also, when given an option between a cute sleeveless top and a cute top with sleeves, I'm going to go for the one with the sleeves unless I'm in a perky mood.

3. Ms. Confident- Yeah, yeah, you envy Miss Confident.. yes, you do! We all do. Damn it, how is she able to carry herself with such poise? Damn it, how does is she so sure of herself? Are you kidding me? Behind all that confident facade is just another insecure freak. We all have insecurities, life ain't anything without them! What do you have to live for!? :-o

4. The girl who is a friend- All of you girls who have boy friends or husbands or even a crush on a girl, and when they even talk to another girl, you have hot rage building up inside you. Blinding jealousy. To the point of insanity. Okay, the guys may say, she is just a girl who is a friend. But, that is not what is going on in our heads. According to us, she is out there to get you, our competitor in life. And mind you, even my girlfriends will hate that bitch! And if we are the "girl who is a friend", my nice side goes "come on girl, he doesn't want me.. he wants you!" and my bitchy alter ego goes "hahahahaaha" \m/

5. Guys are idiots- We all think that. Most of the time. Only thing, the tone in which we think it differs. At times it is a loving "Guys are such idiots!" and at times it is "You idiot!" in all are righteous glory. And mind you, right we are.

6. Christian Grey- We have all read 50 shades. If not the whole book, characters like me have read the wikipedia entry of 50 shades (and a couple of steamy scenes :-| *I'm not ashamed!*) and find Christian Grey insanely hot. Yes, characters like me may even say that they find the bondage lifestyle un-feminist and blah blah blah, it is still hot, to an extent when you guys take charge. You know, nowadays guys just aren't "man!".. they're "guys" or the more appropriate "boys".. you know, like "boys will be boys!" I'm not looking for a school boy, lady!

7. We fart- You know, being born and brought up in an almost conservative TamBrahm family, ever since I have been a child, I have been told not to fart, especially in front of others. All this and my male cousins and dad used to fart away to glory. When I questioned this, my mum used to say, you're a girl, you're not supposed to fart in front of others. Well, that has stayed with me and being a "grown up", realization dawned that fating is seriously embarrassing. But, we fart when we are alone. Not a care in the world!

8. Time taken to dress up- Why do you think it takes us time to get dressed? I'm not even talking about getting dressed for a party or some outing or even work. Lets just say, it is a Sunday, we have taken a shower and are dressing up, that is, to stay indoors. You know, pajamas and a comfy t-shirt. How the hell can that take time? Well, there lies the secret? What? You think you guys know it? No, you don't. Girls, lets not be shy, they deserve to know. We don't take time moisturizing and or do any beauty crap. We take time because we like to look at ourselves in the mirror, wearing a "towel dress", striking various poses and dance away. You think that's it? No, we like to determine how we look in bikinis as well. I'm not talking more than that!

9. Underarms- Come on, ladies. 99% of us hate our underarms. We do. We can have beautiful skin texture and that sultry Indian brown colour and have dark patches for underarms. I know, right, eugh! Think about living with it. You guys have it just so easy even showing off your "fasal".. eugh! Yes, we all hate our underarms, have tried various methods, found nothing worked (if you are about to try something, let me save you the trouble, it won't) and now it is time we accept the fact and move on.

10. Ogling at women- No, I'm not talking about you guys. Us, girls. We stare at beautiful women too. And the worst part, the subject of the stare feels proud and we embarrassed. Come on, man, you see a beautiful creature walk past you, the perfect face, the perfect smile, the perfect body, how the fuck can you not stare? And mind you, that does not make us homosexuals or bisexuals for that matter. We are just appreciating beauty! (All you homosexuals and bisexuals, more power to you!)

*Mind you, the above has been written from a plain Jane point of view. If you don't fall in that category, *cough* great!!*

Have I missed anything? Lets have them in the comments section!