India is my country and the Indian men are not my brothers!

I read about the Mumbai gang rape today. You can check it out here. I must say, it left me deeply disturbed.

You know, not so long ago, I was going out for dinner with my girl friends. Dad asked me what time I'd be home and I said that I'll be back by 11-11.30pm. He refused point blank and asked me to be home by 9.30, 10pm at the most. I was taking my scooter. We had a row then and there and dad finally declared "Mumbai is not a safe place for girls anymore!" I laughed at him. On his face. I said "Mumbai is the safest place on Earth for women!" and I honestly meant it. After this incident, realisation dawned (I really wonder why it took me so long.) No, Mumbai is not a safe place anymore. Why Mumbai? Neither is India!

When I was in school, 6th standard maybe, we were travelling overnight by train to Tamil Nadu. This man kept eyeing me for no particular reason. The top berth being the favourite most for any kid, was allotted to me. In the middle of the night, I realized that same man lying behind me, hugging me close to his body. I woke up with a start and he scrambled back to his berth. I woke mum and dad up, they created a ruckus and that pervert got off the train. What more could I do?

When I lived in Kerala, I was walking to my place, in the middle of the day. One rickshaw wala slowed down next to me, asking me with indications if I needed a ride. I said no and he drove away. I kept walking and next thing I know, the rickshaw took a U-turn, came racing up to me, and sped past me while the rickshaw wala grabbed my breast. I kept walking like nothing happened. What more could I do?

People say most rapes take place within the family. No, I'm not about to narrate a horrible tale or anything. My own cousin, a guy, used to get all touchy with me. No, not all that bad. He used to put his arms around my waist, keep holding my hands, etc. It made me very uncomfortable. It made me feel all the more disgusting when I realised that he did all this when my parents were not around. Ever since, I have maintained my distance. What more could I do?

When I leave for work in the morning, the morning shift of security guards manning the building stare at me, unfazed. What can I do?

When I stand at the bus stop, waiting for a bus, a creep invariably stands beside me, staring at me with not a single flicker of shame. What can I do?

When I board a bus, some pervert purposely pushes behind me, keeping maximum possible proximity. What can I do?

When I sit on the seat reserved for ladies, men who don't find any seats stand next to the ladies, pushing their groin and huge paunches at our face and shoulder. We ask them to move away. They do and another guy takes their place instead. And this cycle continues. What can we do?

When I commute by bus, creeps stare at me, not flinching once when I stare back. What more can I do?

While commuting by bus, men wait with halted breaths as to when the wind will give them a chance to glance at my cleavage or get a glimpse of my bra strap. What can I do?

In buses/trains, men go to the extent of clicking my pictures, like I am some model showing the fun ways of travelling by public transport. To discourage such behavior, I tie my face with a scarf. Eventually, the heat gets to me and I remove the scarf. And thus, the cycle continues. What more can I do?

When travelling by trains, the slum kids, especially boys, ride by the ladies compartment. They prefer hanging out of the train door. They also prefer staring at women's breasts while also commuting from one place to the other. What can we do?

When I drive, I get many whistles and hoots and honks and squeals. I ignore them and drive on. Sometimes, I am even chased after. And yet, I keep driving. What more can we do?

While walking down the road, I am stalked by the roadside romeos and am subjected to whistles. I ignore them and walk on. What more can I do?

I am subjected to stares from the policemen. What can I do?

When I went on a school trip to Kodaikanal, my butt was groped by some man while walking down a hill. What could I do?

At railway stations, with all the crowd in India, especially Mumbai, my breasts and my butt are subject to a lot of teasing and excitement, however well covered/decently dressed. What can I do?

When men sit next to us ladies, they invariably find the need to fish something out of their shirt pocket. Really? Don't you know that I know that it is just a perverse way for you to nudge and get a feel of my breasts? At the most we can push them away. What more can we do?

When commuting by crowded buses and we don't find any space to sit, we will invariably find another man standing behind us, his groin pressed to our back and his hot breath on our necks. We, again, as usual, push them away and at the most, raise a ruckus. What more can we do?

While commuting by public transport, when men sit behind women, the men just love to touch women's waist and hips. We create a ruckus and some drama. He ultimately gets the piece of action he wanted. What more can we do?

I now fully understand why my parents have a problem with me wearing sleeveless t-shirts, shorts and one piece dresses. I now understand why my parents set a strict curfew. I now understand why my parents ask me to limit my number of guy friends and my closeness to them. I now understand what my parents must be feeling when I don't keep them updated as to where I am. I now understand why my parents are willing to spend any amount of money to ensure that I travel by private transport, safely. 

Bloody hell, I now understand why female foeticide and female infanticide is so rampant in India. What parent would want their girl child to go through all that we do?

Girls and our dirty little secrets

Image courtesy: http://favim.com/image/179964/

Here is a guide on girls, for girls, from a girl. Okay, not a guide per se. Every girl thinks she has a dirty little secret, or a couple of them, trust me girl, you're not alone. Here are a couple of them. Ladies, I'm just going to state them!

1. The online friend- We all have at least one online friend. We all love online chatting since it offers the security of anonymity. All that unburdening on a faceless and most probably fake named stranger.. wow! Seriously, why is that a secret? You have an online friend, fine! Mind you, it is mostly of the opposite sex. What!? There's nothing wrong in it!

2. Shaving- Lets face it, hair removal, tedious! I wish I were born without any body hair, except bunch on my head, my eyebrows and eye lashes! And mind you, if I am wearing capris, I'm only going to shave the part that is exposed. So, going top to bottom, it'll mostly be forest and desert! Also, when given an option between a cute sleeveless top and a cute top with sleeves, I'm going to go for the one with the sleeves unless I'm in a perky mood.

3. Ms. Confident- Yeah, yeah, you envy Miss Confident.. yes, you do! We all do. Damn it, how is she able to carry herself with such poise? Damn it, how does is she so sure of herself? Are you kidding me? Behind all that confident facade is just another insecure freak. We all have insecurities, life ain't anything without them! What do you have to live for!? :-o

4. The girl who is a friend- All of you girls who have boy friends or husbands or even a crush on a girl, and when they even talk to another girl, you have hot rage building up inside you. Blinding jealousy. To the point of insanity. Okay, the guys may say, she is just a girl who is a friend. But, that is not what is going on in our heads. According to us, she is out there to get you, our competitor in life. And mind you, even my girlfriends will hate that bitch! And if we are the "girl who is a friend", my nice side goes "come on girl, he doesn't want me.. he wants you!" and my bitchy alter ego goes "hahahahaaha" \m/

5. Guys are idiots- We all think that. Most of the time. Only thing, the tone in which we think it differs. At times it is a loving "Guys are such idiots!" and at times it is "You idiot!" in all are righteous glory. And mind you, right we are.

6. Christian Grey- We have all read 50 shades. If not the whole book, characters like me have read the wikipedia entry of 50 shades (and a couple of steamy scenes :-| *I'm not ashamed!*) and find Christian Grey insanely hot. Yes, characters like me may even say that they find the bondage lifestyle un-feminist and blah blah blah, it is still hot, to an extent when you guys take charge. You know, nowadays guys just aren't "man!".. they're "guys" or the more appropriate "boys".. you know, like "boys will be boys!" I'm not looking for a school boy, lady!

7. We fart- You know, being born and brought up in an almost conservative TamBrahm family, ever since I have been a child, I have been told not to fart, especially in front of others. All this and my male cousins and dad used to fart away to glory. When I questioned this, my mum used to say, you're a girl, you're not supposed to fart in front of others. Well, that has stayed with me and being a "grown up", realization dawned that fating is seriously embarrassing. But, we fart when we are alone. Not a care in the world!

8. Time taken to dress up- Why do you think it takes us time to get dressed? I'm not even talking about getting dressed for a party or some outing or even work. Lets just say, it is a Sunday, we have taken a shower and are dressing up, that is, to stay indoors. You know, pajamas and a comfy t-shirt. How the hell can that take time? Well, there lies the secret? What? You think you guys know it? No, you don't. Girls, lets not be shy, they deserve to know. We don't take time moisturizing and or do any beauty crap. We take time because we like to look at ourselves in the mirror, wearing a "towel dress", striking various poses and dance away. You think that's it? No, we like to determine how we look in bikinis as well. I'm not talking more than that!

9. Underarms- Come on, ladies. 99% of us hate our underarms. We do. We can have beautiful skin texture and that sultry Indian brown colour and have dark patches for underarms. I know, right, eugh! Think about living with it. You guys have it just so easy even showing off your "fasal".. eugh! Yes, we all hate our underarms, have tried various methods, found nothing worked (if you are about to try something, let me save you the trouble, it won't) and now it is time we accept the fact and move on.

10. Ogling at women- No, I'm not talking about you guys. Us, girls. We stare at beautiful women too. And the worst part, the subject of the stare feels proud and we embarrassed. Come on, man, you see a beautiful creature walk past you, the perfect face, the perfect smile, the perfect body, how the fuck can you not stare? And mind you, that does not make us homosexuals or bisexuals for that matter. We are just appreciating beauty! (All you homosexuals and bisexuals, more power to you!)

*Mind you, the above has been written from a plain Jane point of view. If you don't fall in that category, *cough* great!!*

Have I missed anything? Lets have them in the comments section!

Soldier For Women Campaign

There is no single one person I'd like to write about. For one, its not only the men who protect us women. My wholehearted thanks to my Dad who has and will forever be my protective shield, my Mum for all the support and confidence she instills in me, the Indian police force who make the streets safer at night, all the educated, right-minded youth who know the right from wrong and who are fearless to stand against the wrong, my girlfriends without whom I wouldn't be able to "band bajofy" all those roadside Romeos and my guy friends who make me feel safe in public places from prying eyes.

Thank you, guys! :)

Post on the Delhi rape case

I came across this blog and the post while browsing:

Blog name: http://www.whiteindianhousewife.com
Post: http://www.whiteindianhousewife.com/2013/01/indias-rape-crisis-dont-simply-blame-the-men/
Author: Sharell Cook

The content of this post has opened a whole new arena of thought process in my brain now.

The recent gangrape and beating of a 23 year old Indian woman in Delhi (and her subsequent tragic death) has shaken not only India but the world. It dominated the news in Australia, where I was visiting my family last month, along with the shocking statistic that a rape happens every 22 minutes in India. It’s a grave matter because India’s international reputation is now at stake and the situation has left the world waiting for answers and action to be taken.

I didn’t want to write anything about the rape for a couple of reasons. Firstly, it’s left me with a lot of negative feelings and I don’t want to dwell on them as it will make living in India disturbing for me. Secondly, as I’ve previously mentioned, I’ve reached a stage where I feel less inclined to want to write about contentious issues in India. I’ve gone through a phase of “locking horns” with India and questioning how the country functions. Now, I’ve reached a stage of resignation. It is what it is, and as I’m not a citizen of India, it’s not really my place to judge and criticise.

However, I’ve been asked to write something about the rape situation here in the hopes of igniting a constructive discussion, so I’ll briefly share my views about it.

The simple thing to do is to just blame the men for raping — after all they’re committing the act. Where’s their self control? It goes deeper than that though. The core of the matter is why men think that they can keep behaving in such a way. And, the reason is because Indian society and the legal system supports such behaviour.

Take an example such as Hitler. He was the perpetrator of many horrific acts. Yet, he would never have been able to carry them out if so many people didn’t support him.

In India, the rape of women is directly or indirectly supported by a range of factors including:

• the lesser status of women in society and the manner in which they are shunned if rape does happen to them.
• an ineffective legal system where women are discouraged from reporting rapes, and the rapists can get free through such means as offering bribes. India’s legal system is also notoriously inefficient and long winded, and conviction rates for rapes low.
• politicians who have cases of rape and sexual harassment against them being commonplace. Political parties support them and allow them to enter politics.

It’s the attitude of Indian society towards women and rape victims that’s particularly disturbing. A friend of mine wrote an excellent, well researched, blog post about it.

She states:

“I was sad to discover the “11% Truth” about rape in India – or what happens to a child or woman after being a victim of a rape or incest. I surveyed and asked If a girl or woman is raped in India, will she have the same chances in life as anyone else? (for example, to find a good husband, live a normal family life, etc…). A resounding 89% of Indians believe that she never will. That means that only 11% of victims will end up leading a happy ‘normal’ life if anyone were to find out that she’d been raped. In part, that explains very vividly the low number of reports filed following a rape. Keeping it a secret seems like the only chance some girls have to find a good husband later.”

She also reveals:

“When I asked If a girl is raped, does this bring shame – or embarrassment – onto the family of the victim? 50% of respondents answered YES. A large number of respondents left follow-up comments to that question like, “my personal answer is no, but the real answer in many Indian families would be yes.” I read countless stories of village girls and women thrown out and banned from their homes after being raped. This is done to minimise damage to the family’s status within the community and reduce the level of shame brought down upon them as much as possible.”

From this, it is clear that the fundamentals of Indian society need to change. I dearly want to believe that the girl’s death will be a catalyst for this much needed change. It’s a hope that I’m clinging to because I don’t want to accept the alternative — that her death will be in vain and forgotten about in years to come, and that the attitudes that support rapes and mistreatment of women will prevail.

Effective writing, really though provoking. Like I have stated before, I wonder why we are still living in the dark ages while all that could be heard earlier was "India will emerge a super powers".

However, at what cost?

Regards

Article on Delhi gang rape in TOI on 30.12.12

This article in TOI on 30.12.12 is an editorial by Rupa Sengupta. I can tell you that I agree with every sentence, every word of it and I am sad to say that my parents, like many expected the highlighted sentences of me.

Why is freedom still denied to midnight's girl children?2012 will end at the stroke of the midnight hour. But India won't stop mourning the death of Nirbhaya, a young rape victim so named by this newspaper for her fearlessness in the face of adversity. This paramedical student's undeserved fate serves as a reminder that - after six decades of Independence - the modern Indian woman is free to do simple things like meet a friend, walk on the street, and catch a bus at night - only at her own risk. Whatever happened to her freedom, promised at the stroke of midnight back in 1947?
Nirbhaya's is the story of millions of Indian women, open to insults, subject to ambush, vulnerable to attack, destined for demonisation. Yes, women are stalked, molested and battered the world over. But, barring some barbaric places, the world over it isn't social custom for girls to be killed even before they're born. The world over, they aren't forbidden choice in work, love or marriage by politically coddled khaps. The world over, they aren't set ablaze with sickening regularity for not meeting dowry demands or failing to bear sons. Nor do most politicians, the world over, think it perfectly kosher to justify rape by blaming the victim.
The men who victimised Nirbhaya were monstrous products of this very society that would have women surrender body and mind or else metamorphose into a strumpet in male eyes. Surely freedom means nothing if, despite their shared humanity, women are thought inferior to men, and so coerced to serve them in the flesh or be stripped, whipped and worse.
It's time to ask some questions - and loudly. How many times has a girl child been told not to run wild like her brothers, because she must inculcate passivity? How many times has a girl student been told that the art of masochism prepares her for life more than the habit of scientific enquiry? How many times have teenagers, barely post-puberty, been paraded in the marriage market as sideshows to the 'dahej'*? How many times have brides been made to acquiesce to conjugal deflowering and impregnation as the sole justification for their existence?
Perhaps as many times as 'virtuous' women are told that the night is out of bounds save to tramps and trollops. All because nocturnal obscurity works in the fevered minds of predators a mysterious transformation of woman into slut cum prey. How many times must the midnight hour - the instant this country won freedom - be a witching hour, associating woman with evil so that society can deploy male lust as a weapon of punitive exorcism?
What are you doing out at night? That's what her tormentors asked Nirbhaya and her companion one December night. Shall we not, as midnight's children, demolish that abominable question by saying women need answer neither to society's moral police nor to its criminal spawn?
That Nirbhaya's heroism moved so many people in a nation where gender bias breeds rampant brutality suggests we can. As a new year approaches, let it inspire in us the resolve to reform society and politics, challenging every one of their conspiratorial assaults on one half of the Indian population. Nirbhaya's refusal of victimhood in her darkest hours teaches what we always knew: that human dignity is inalienable and the human spirit indomitable. It is this light of inner freedom that midnight's girl children must hold on to.
For, Nirbhaya's story doesn't tell women to dread the world because beasts lurk in it, behind trees, beyond each bend, in vehicles with dark windows. It enjoins us to remake the world so that every member of a long-oppressed sorority can trust it as a guarantor of equality, security and justice. Our freedom is only half-won unless Nirbhaya's sisters can walk on the road on a winter night, board the bus that comes along, and find their way home - the way Nirbhaya hoped to.

It gets me thinking. Why do we women put up with this hellhole? There must be some way out of it. Only thing, it is unknown as of now.

Regards

* Dahej is Hindi for dowry.