Murder of the Queen's language

Hullo!

Yes, a "Hullo" is just the beginning. Whatever happened to good old "Hello!"; pronunciation wise. As for writing it, why do people say "Hallo!". I don't get it. The Queen doesn't get it. Good Lord, do you even get it!?

In this post, I will go on about all the English-language-related crimes committed by people in my office. Seriously, who else can be the butt of my jokes?

Written English:

"I request you to kindly revert back"- Why? First of all, allow me to say, the usage of "revert" itself is wrong. What, you think I'm wrong? Go here. You see? So, technically, what that sentence means is "I request you to kindly return back." Return back what? Your God awful English? Oh, oh, oh, me first!

"Provision for doughful debts"- Whatever happened to proofreading e-mails and then sending it to clients. Whatever happened to spell check. You are using a computer, it does not auto correct and "doughful" is not even a word! Just f.y.i, what was meant was "Provision for doubtful debts"

Spoken English:

"Aap laser ko analyze keejiye"- Am I the only one to have seniors who write, walk and talk pathetic English. I know for a fact that you would think "What's wrong with her? What's so wrong about that sentence?" Well, if you read my blog, you'll know that I am CA student. Lasers and stuff like that was abandoned by me back in my 10th standard (a couple of hundred years ago) Science textbook. So, what does that sentence mean? "Aap ledger to analyze keejiye." I know, I know, don't worry about it, me too.


"Sony Xpria"- Alright, alright, I know you've heard of Sony Xperia. No need to get all excited! But, did you read what I wrote properly? No, you didn't. Lets give it another try. Sony Xpria. Yep! Now you did it. The word itself is "Xperia"  which was pronounced by one of my colleagues as "Xpria". Seriously, dude, why? Just because Sony dropped an "E" from the beginning does not mean you drop an "E" from the word too. They are an MNC. And you are a, well, whatever. *Do not abuse a colleague on your blog*

"Oh shits yaar!"- IS THAT EVEN A WORD? "Shit"- okay. But the plural form? Shits? Shit itself is used to show heightened vulgarity and, well, profanity. Hey, Wikipedia says so, not according to you & I ;-). So, when a single "shit" can convey your meaning, why would you go for its plural form?

"Oh fricks!"- No. It is not a word. Freak. Now that is the word this girl was going for. But, her pronunciation gave her "frick". With an added "s". We Indians love free things, I tell you. You know how today's generation uses the word freely. "Oh freak! I didn't study anything for the exam" Honey, if you could just drop the word, I can assure you your teacher wouldn't take 1 mark away from you. "Seriously? Is it raining that heavily? Is there flooding anywhere? Oh freak!" Okay, fine. Oh freak! So, all in all, I am fine with it. The current generation is making up its own language (so am I :D) but why the plural? How about just keeping it to "freak" and not reaching for an "s"?

"Woh mera hard dicks leke gayi"- I swear, this blog doesn't entertain adult content. I swear, this blog post is clean. So, what did the guy mean when he said that? Allow me to paint a picture. Okay, I have all ten seasons of F.R.I.E.N.D.S and the guy wanted them. I refused to get them to the office and said if you want give me your hard drive disk and I'll give it to you. And he said "Woh mera hard dicks leke gayi." I was stunned for a moment or two and took my time to respond so as to not burst out laughing. He meant "Woh mera hard disc leke gayi." Yes, the interchanging of "c" and "s" is one thing I absolutely cannot stand! "Come on everybody! Lets go the dic-so!! Woot Woot!!" Get it?

"Aap gems se puchiye woh James ka stock take ka kya hua"- Yaar, gems se kaise puchega woh? Let me clear it for you, she meant, "Aap James se puchiye woh gems ka stock take ka kya hua." So, our client is a major player in the gems industry and a guy named "James" is an employee. And my senior interchanged the pronunciation. Why? Ask her, man.

I want you to analyse the analysis and list everything"- And then what do you want? Should I analyse the list and make an analysis again? X-(

"Give me the hard printout"- I think the printer just died laughing at that dialogue of yours. What's wrong with people!?

"Aaj Shreesha ka khaali hoga"- She was referring to my place at the office and my computer for someone Else's usage. Mera nahi, aapka khali hai. :-/

Okay, I need to get back to studying if I want to score 650+ on the GMAT exam. Hope you had a good laugh! :-)

*Kindly ignore English language errors, if any. The post was written while I was shaking uncontrollably with laughter. Can you blame me?* ;-)

Comments are most welcome!!

Dumb, Dumber and Dumbest vous êtes!

By far one of the dumbest things I have ever heard in my almost-22-years of existence!

The following is an actual conversation between a not-so-proficient-in-English colleague of mine and me (okay, okay, I am not all that great in English either!) :

Shreesha: Hmm.. I hope the manager doesn't come here tomorrow to inspect our work. I need to leave a little early. He is at XYZ & Co. now, they have a deadline sometime soon.
Colleague: Yes, I know, I can't stand him. When is their deadline?
Shreesha: On the seventeenth of this month.
Colleague: Seventeen or seventy?

Yeah, dear colleague, the reporting is happening on the seventieth of this month! :-|

Comments are most welcome!!

To my Chartered Accountant friend!

My heartiest congratulations to you, you are now a Chartered Accountant. And, yes, I love you. No matter what ensued between us, I still love you. I know, I fucked up, badly. But, seriously, be true to yourself, can you blame me? You, K, are an awesome all rounder. You gave the CA-Inter exam and cleared. I was so happy for you. Not just me, both A and I were genuinely so pleased. We hadn’t studied at all. So, we were fine with us failing. You started your internship, yes, we had fun, I had to face my parents wrath, but, oh, well, teenage years, friends were everything then. The second attempt, remember how we were so worried about A? I even remember texting you, say two to three months before the exam “I don’t feel like studying at all. I hope A clears. She seems to depressed and upset.” Then, we discussed in length about A and you asked me to o study or to go to hell. Hell I did go to. A and I didn’t clear, again. The second attempt! Blah!

Then, it was my turn to worry. Realization suddenly dawned on me. What was I doing? There were my parents spending so much on me without blinking an eye, and here I was, whiling away my future, on friends? Are you fucking kidding me? Of course my family is more important, of course my future is more important, of course my parents’ hard earned money is more important and of course I wasn’t going to believe you when you said “C’mon! We’ll study together and this time you’ll clear” What? Did you forget that we studied together for the first attempt? Did you think I forgot that you were the smartest of us all? A had all the dance and cultural arts thing going on in her life. What was I good at? Dance, no. Music, once upon a time, yes. Sports, no. Academics, no. Future? Of course I didn’t have any! So, what did I do? I buckled down, I cut off contact, concentrated hard (I am not one of those to quickly grasp things, least of all, finance, something I don’t understand!), and cleared the exam. Finally, my third attempt. A failed again and gave up Chartered Accountancy. I screwed up our friendship majorly and I know it. But, I know it was for a good cause. I cleared the exam, my parents were extremely happy and I had some hope for a future, a career.

This Is in no way a justification for my actions. No. I know what I did was wrong but, let me add, if I were to go back in time and change something, the only thing I would have changed is my timing. I should have been like this the first time around; during the first attempt of CA-Inter. But, I guess it is true when people say everything happens for a reason. You’ve heard it, right? Once bitten twice shy? Yeah, that was my situation. I am pretty sure it still is. Anyway, our relationship soured and we have just about managed to start speaking to each other normally. It will never go back to how it was. I know it. The least we can be is civil to one another.

So, the CA Final exam results came out today and you passed. You are C.A. K. I am so proud of you. I am so happy for you. I am so very proud that my friend is now a chartered accountant. I love you, I am proud of you but, apparently to you those words aren’t enough. I don’t know how else to express myself. Anonymously then I will wish you and rant. Rant away to eternity until you understand, on your own, my side of the story. Remember at that AOL meeting you told me “I could see everything in your eyes,” I need you to please look into my eyes and see everything NOW.

Comments are most welcome!!