I'm irritated, frustated, annoyed and DONE!

It doesn't take much to get me irritated these days. That is, when I'm busy numbing my brain and you walk in and create a mess of it by making me think. 8th August is the doomsday. I'm trying NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT. And you do such random, irritating and frustrating acts that, I swear, I want to strangle you! For my own peace of mind, I am going to let all that hatred out. Right here; right now. Every little thing that annoys me comes out now and my head stays in peace. Hopefully. *I'm not the one to let go!*

When you burp and fart loudly, you make me feel disgusted. I want to do nothing more than gut you. Let me enjoy my Dominos pizza in peace.

A white shirt goes well with blue denims. It's simple, yes, but looks elegant. Quit bugging me. You asked for my opinion, I gave it to you. You asked for it. BLOODY HELL, TAKE IT.

When you ramble on about the new procedures to be adopted for tax audit this season and my stomach is grumbling in response, it's two hours past my lunch time and I'm hungry. Just because I sit there in dignified silence doesn't mean I respect you. I respect the germs in the toes of my feet MORE. I just want my internship coursework papers signed this week and to be let go of FOR GOOD!

Just because I fuck you over, leave you in a mess for 15 days (on purpose) doesn't mean you can make me stay for however long you want. Fuck you, this is between the Institute and me, you are just the dummy signing authority.

When you make me wait two hours for lunch, don't let me go to Pizza Hut and fake smile me into eating the a sandwich (which is bloody soggy from keeping it as it is for an hour) and roadside potato chips, I hate you even more. You made me miss my grape sangria, cheese garlic bread and their pasta/pizza with lots of oregano in it. I. Hate. You.

When you look like one of those prostitutes depicted in the movie Jab We Met and you stand in front of the mirror for 25 minutes (no exaggeration; no kidding) and keep "grooming" yourself, I'm sorry, you still end up looking like you did before. NOT GOOD. I have this deep seated urge to yell "Oh! My eyes! My eyes!" after looking at you. And when you talk! Oh my God! That accent! That English! That.. That.. My 6 year old niece speaks better. And lose the accent, bitch!

People call you their "washroom buddy"/"bathroom buddy".. Seriously, get a life! Outside the washroom!

So, this TamBrahm guy was bullshitting (not a word!) and casually said that you (a TamBrahm girl) were called beautiful by his mom. He even told me that family talks were on for him and some other girl. When you start taking him seriously and say "I'll have a personal chat with him later to know whether what he told was true" I have an issue with it because we are close and you are making a fool of yourself. He wasn't indirectly proposing you and neither was his mom. You look beautiful and are the quintessential TamBrahm girl. THERE IS NO READING IN BETWEEN THE LINES. Get over it.

You are my soul-sister. I am super glad I met you. Something you should know about me. I am really freaked out right now. You keep buzzing me. I am not used to it.You made me meet your mom. HELLO! We've known each other 15 days! And your blog is depressing. I am practically at the door! Soul-sisters! Am I like that? Shit! You made me think. Argh!

You are loud, talk shit and you also said "Harry Potter sucks!". Save your breath for someone else, you are already in my ignore list. Oh! And I know it was you who wrote "You have an attitude problem" in the fish pond game.

Believe me when I say this, I don't have a problem that you smoke and drink. We have fun! I didn't know you had a girlfriend (then again, we'd known each other only two weeks). Nevertheless, we do have fun. Hope we can continue that. You are a good guy. Forget about the should-have-been part of life. Enjoy it now.

You! You have no control over what you speak. None whatsoever! "Kaccha" is NOT a word that you use in a Group Discussion. That's a strict no. And yet, I find you adorable. You are cute. :P

And you! Master bowler! You kept getting strikes while I kept getting the left gutter. Good guy, completely unpredictable. I had great fun with you. I keep having doubts whether I have a crush on you. But, I don't know. I really don't.

You are 22 years old! And you are getting married! Just because the guy wants to get married before he turns 30 next year! You are regretting it and you need to stop it! Please. Don't be stupid. YOU of all the people in this world!

Enough with the marriage and the jathagam and the Nakshatram talks. I'm sick of listening to it all the time. I am yet to turn 23 and people can't stop talking about marriage. WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM IN LIFE?

You tell me one more time about 8th August and I will not be responsible for my actions.

You are a 40 year old woman. Sure I consider you a friend, but, you are not my mother. You are a friend who is practically double my age and may never be on the same wavelength as me. You are conservative and traditional in your approach. Do not advice me on how I should proceed with things WHEN I DIDN'T EVEN ASK FOR ANY! I hug my friends, even guy friends, SO WHAT? They don't take it otherwise, I don't and NEITHER SHOULD YOU. It's none of your business. Stay away.

Aye Aye Aye! I thought we could work things out. Ego is such a bitch, I tell you. I tried to not bring mine into the picture and you never tried to get yours away from the it. We're done even before we started. You are an asshole. Probably never lovers. It'll take time for you to realize that. Back to being best friends?

You give her a hard time, never make things easy for people and are intrusive. You know and I know what I want for you.


And I'm not done. But, done for now. Good night, people!

What should I blog about!

There is only one reason I wrote this. My IndiRank is down to 36/100. I don't care about it. No, I don't. I seriously don't! It made me realize how neglected my baby would be feeling. I mean, I started this blog about... uh, 1.5 years ago when I had absolutely nothing going in my life, all empty, all sad, all depressed. This was the one place I was always there. I took care of it, so well, and then CA Final happened. That bitch! And I've started neglecting my baby. Bad mommy, I am! Well, no more!

So, what's new?

1. I MET MY SOUL SISTER!
She's two years elder to me, she loves shoes, she's brutally honest, rude, offensive and vulgar. EXACTLY! MY SOUL-F-ING-SISTER!

2. I've started watching Grey's Anatomy! I want Cristina Yang. I also want Kate Moennig from The L-Word. Get them for me, will you? Especially Kate. <3 Oh! And Preston Burke from Grey's Anatomy. Y-U-M-M-Y.

3. I am surprisingly and shockingly good at public speaking! The last time I spoke in public was in 7th standard. I was in the Yellow house in school. The students were asked to participate in speeches so that the respective teachers could select the best out of them (for a school competition between the houses). We had to speak for two whole minutes. Appa prepared on the topic for me. "Information Technology". He even wrote me a beautiful speech. I think it was beautiful. Duh! I mean, Appa wrote it. It had to be. Anyway, I stood in front of the class, opened my mouth and froze, my legs were literally shaking and sweating. I FORGOT THE TOPIC OF MY SPEECH. I was rejected outright and never dared to go up on stage ever again.

Until, the ICAI made Communication skills class compulsory for budding Chartered Accountants and I had to attend public speaking lectures (where I met my soul sister; she's cool). Anyway, I've spoken to 51 strangers (IN PUBLIC!!!!!!!!) about my professional history (teehee), my mischievous childhood (just two instances), my likes and dislikes and my opinion on euthanasia.  On the last topic, I was even told by the teacher that my pacing was great, speaking was wonderful, voice modulation superb and that she had goosebumps when she was listening to me. Beat that, school-me, who forgot the topic! Hahaha!

4. At the beginning of my study leave, I exercised diligently and put on weight. I stopped exercising about two months before my exam and lost weight. As on the date of re-joining office, I lost 4kgs. Take that. \m/ 
*I'm pretty sure I've lost more in the past 2-3 days. Read on*

5. So, I finally got drunk. Didn't take me much since I was drinking after almost a year and my body was just such a beautiful blank slate. It took two Long Island Iced Teas and a beer to get me sloshed, IN PUBLIC. I made a complete fool of myself in front of my friend (we met after a year and a half, great fun!) AND her school friend who bumped into us AND HIS FRIENDS whom neither me nor my friend knew. So, yeah. I think I'm being called "the chick who got drunk on 2 LITs and was practically speaking to the table" in the Bombay suburbs. I'm never setting foot inside that place again.

6. The above event resulted in me throwing up my insides and a severe bout of dysentery (don't ask; don't sympathize; don't even try to empathize with me). Nope, not the worst part. Thing is, we got sloshed in the mall. I had to sober up and head home. I threw up at the mall first. Sobered up a little. Went home and ran straight up to the bathroom. Showered, threw up, went to bed. Woke up at 2, threw up, went to bed. Woke up at 3 threw up and never went to bed and suffered from dry heaves all through the night.
Also, I had to attend this Communication skills lecture the next day AND participate in a Group Discussion with not a morsel of food in my body AND my head ready to explode AND entirely sleep deprived. Apparently I was very good at the GD. Who knew! I almost gave up alcohol.  BUT, NO. I'm all okay now. When are we drinking next?

7. FUCK! I AM GOOD AT PUBLIC SPEAKING. HAHAHAHAHHA.

Good night, bitches! :) :) :) :)

I have seen the world change

Yeah, right!

I’m back! Finally! After a 6 month break (read, study leave, hehehe) I am back to routine, monotony and utter and complete boredom. Yes, office is to blame. How much has the world changed, really, in these 6 months where I only stepped out to go to the library and nowhere else? Okay, to the sandwich and chaat wala too, but that’s not important.

1. The Mumbai metro began its operations exactly a week before I was due to join and I was asked to haul my ass to a client at Andheri. Bham! Mumbai Metro, zindabad! At a flat rate of Rs.10, hell, it was (still is) cheaper than rickshaw and in some cases, the BEST bus! It’s nice, really. Fully air conditioned, beautifully maintained, well run and crew that is ever on its toes and always available. But, there’s always a “but”. Everything in India comes with a con, right?

(i) Do you know what I love most about the Mumbai metro? The lingering paan smell. Oh! Also, the fuck awesome body odour emanating from men and women travelling alongside me who not so surprisingly, considering the Rs.10 fare, smell of sweat and stink of raw fish. (I’m vegetarian. I hate the smell of fish, cooked or raw. I don’t care; go ahead and judge me, oh! You just called me a bitch. I agree.)

(ii) Do you know what’s slightly worse? How people are unable to use the token barricade. They long jump over the barricade and run. Damn! I shouldn't have stopped my long jump practice in school. And, more fun? Since people can’t use the token barricade properly, their entry into and exit from the metro station is delayed, by not just a few, but several seconds, nay, minutes! And? Yep! You guessed it right! There’s a huge, huge crowd behind them, trying to get out! Oh? I am an idiot, right? I should have just shoved and pushed past people like these other people and broken my own code of discipline, manners and courtesy. Hmm.

(iii) So, who are these other people? The tourist crowd and other *ahem* crowd who are taking joy rides on the metro since “aga! meytro madhe fakta daha rupyat amala AC milel!! Tsal zauyah!”  (Arre! On the metro, for Rs.10 we are getting an AC ride!! Let’s go!!) Here’s some not-so-common sense to you jackholes. Go ahead, take your joy rides! I’m not the one to stop you. I don’t have the authority (I wish I did!) You know what you can do? DON’T TAKE YOUR JOY RIDE DURING PEAK OFFICE HOURS! OR IS THAT SO DIFFICULT TO BLOODY UNDERSTAND? You are giving the MMOPL revenue, great! You are getting an AC ride for Rs.10, awesome! Please, as a consideration to us mere mortals who earn our living, take your rides between 12 and 4. Let. Us. Please. For. The. Love. Of. God. Travel. In. Peace.

(iv)  Also, if any of you women, ask me ever again whether there is a ladies’ coach, I swear, I will NOT keep a straight face and respond and will give such a scathing response to you that I will feel bad about it for the rest of my life. We don’t have separate coaches for men and women. It is all the same. The metro is not a nau/bara/pandra dabba local train. It’s the metro. Fuck! It gets you from Ghatkopar to Andheri in 15 min. Can you PLEASE not ask me about ladies’ coach ever again? Thank you!

(v) A sincere and heartfelt request to MMRDA, Veolia Transport and Reliance Infra, please, please, please just increase the fares already. At least half the crowd will get filtered out in a matter of days. Trust me when I say this. Just do it already.

2. Mumbai local train- Ah, it’s been a year since I last travelled by train. Yes, because about 2 months before I was due to go on leave, I was sent to the office near my home for tax audit filing. So, a year since local train travel. The first day, I travelled by a Thane local, to Ghatkopar and felt like a death sentence would have been much easier. the crowd is MUCH more rowdy, uncivilized and just pure yuck! My mistake, the first day I travelled by ticket. Second day, I stood in line and got myself a first class pass. Doesn’t make the travel A LOT better anyway since the ticketless crowd prefers travelling by first class, since they are ticketless anyway! So, there you go!

Yeah, so, these two were the two main aspects of “seeing the world change”. LOL. I feel like I’m 100 years old! “I’ve seen the world change” heeeheeheee. I’ve missed the blog, AND my regular readers (Do I really have any?) muah!!